Why are breakups so hard?

Falling in love is one of the most euphoric experiences a person can have. When they end, it can be emotionally traumatic…but why is so hard?

When we meet someone and begin a relationship, we begin to bond with that person. We assess whether we can trust that person and begin to build a life together. Most people are messy at breaking up. We may want to separate at different times, one person may still be attached, we communicate our feelings poorly, we act out, and we don’t know what things are supposed to look like after. Do we stay in touch with our ex or never talk to a person who has been a large part of our life ever again? 

The short answer to why breakups are so hard is because, through the relationship, the other person becomes a part of us. Even if both partners mutually agree to separate and can accept you may be happier apart, it doesn’t mean that each of you isn’t walking into a world that feels foreign. When it is a bad breakup, we can be left feeling like our entire world was a lie, not knowing what to believe, and overwhelming feelings of betrayal. If you were married, the entire relationship can feel reduced to money and power or control.

According to the Social Readjustment Rating Scale (SRRS), divorce is the second most stressful life event you can go through. Of course, just because you may not be married doesn’t mean you deserve any less validation for the pain you are going through. How you survive a breakup is a personal journey and you can find some stable footing by taking charge of your life during the process.

Therapists are great supporters of this journey as many people in our personal lives struggle to stay with us in our distress and often say the wrong things even though they mean well. You are not alone and there are people out there to help you through this difficult time!