Is COVID-19 Ruining my Relationship?

Relationships have always been difficult and should be (at least a little) if we are doing them right. Although it does get easier, it is constant work. Now imagine needing to do that work for hours on end for months and you have relationships during the coronavirus. Most of us have heard the reports from China about the surge in divorce rates during the quarantine which leads us to wonder if that could be our relationship in a few weeks. As a therapist who specializes in working with couples, I decided to write this article to give my professional opinion of what is currently going on in people’s homes, why, and some small steps that may help.

Before the Coronavirus hit, an Anaheim survey reported that most people only spent about 37 minutes of quality time with their family per day. It is easy to say that work is demanding or there just isn’t enough time but in reality, we find ways to make other things happen, don’t we (cough…social media…cough)? There is no judgment here because this is something that every person does. Our family is an area of our life that is most likely to trigger us. For example, our partner saying the wrong thing, noticing that our partner really does remind us of one of our parents, questioning our ability to be a good parent to our children, needing to keep up with housework, needing to talk about feelings or getting rejected, and a million other things that happen at home. These issues can be very rewarding to overcome if you ever get to it but most of us just don’t have the tools and end up shutting down or blowing up and don’t know why.

Now imagine going from that possible 37 minutes to at least 10 times that. The majority of couples could have used skills from couple counseling before the coronavirus due to lack of communication skills and attachment patterns but the quarantine turns up the heat in a confined space so issues become magnified or things speed up. You no longer really have the option to leave for hours and decompress when you go to work or for girls’ night which may have relieved relational issues that were inevitable given the increased stress of a worldwide epidemic and unknown financial damage. We literally have no one else to take it out on and with a full arsenal of all that person’s vulnerabilities in the back of your mind that does not bode well for the relationship. Many people have tried to take space within their home but for those of us who live in California, the living spaces are not large. For those who are introverts, not getting any alone time can result in stress, and reduced patience.

To play devil’s advocate, there are couples that report positive effects as well. One couple reported that the severity of the virus put things into perspective for them and they realized how petty their arguments were. It can also be helpful for couples in which there is no respect for what each other contributes to the relationship and when at home, each partner is able to share responsibilities and witness their partner in action. Another benefit is to learn to care for yourself and put effort into your relationship. The more you care for yourself, the better your relationship will be and now could be the time to work on all those things for your relationship you’ve been meaning to do. The last benefit I could think of was simply to break that 37-minute average! Please keep in mind that for most people it may not be realistic to expect these things of yourself. Although I commend those who are able to reach these goals, they are usually the exception and not the norm. We are in a stressful situation and you are allowed to feel stressed and work on figuring out how to manage that without killing each other. Sounds like a win to me!

It doesn’t hurt to have some extra skills in your pocket to set you up for success. One of the biggest pieces of advice is practice being aware of how you are feeling, putting words to it, discussing it with your partner, and being present for your partner to do the same. These communication skills are what EVERY couple needs to learn whether we are in the middle of an epidemic or not. If you both feel heard and understood, you are both likely to be nicer to each other. If you make a mistake, just acknowledge it and apologize. I know pride is really hard to get past on this one but in the end, it’s about meeting your partner’s needs and understanding how he or she felt. Another skill is to know how to stop a situation that is escalating. This could be simply stating to your partner that you notice the escalation and ask to take a break and come back to it later.

I suggest people have fun with and use phrases such as “it’s the coronavirus talking!” to lighten the mood but be sure to not minimize your partner’s feelings or use this as an excuse. My next activity is more for couples who feel like their relationship is in a place to manage this activity: work on an issue you’ve been having in the relationship. Have the other partner help with something they don’t normally do, work on that accountability chart for chores so you are less annoyed with each other, and whatever else you can think of. The last suggestion is to spend time mindfully. This means schedule or plan on time together and time apart. Even though you can’t leave the home, try to make some of your day resemble your schedule pre-Coronavirus where you work in different areas, talk with friends, pursue hobbies if possible. Overall, try different things until you find something that works.

*Even though this is an intense time for everyone, there is never an acceptable reason to be physical in a relationship. If you are experiencing domestic abuse and are in need of help, contact 911 or the domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE.

If you and your partner continue to struggle, it would likely be beneficial to seek support from a couple therapist. Most of the clinicians at Gather and Grow OC have reduced fee availability if your income has been affected by Covid-19. If you are interested in working with me or another Gather and Grow OC clinician, contact the office.