Apologies & Accountability

One of the hot topics I see in work with clients, and even in my personal and social life, is the act of apologies and accountability. People tend to apologize, and sometimes it doesn't feel like an apology — but why is that?

I observe that people think apologies aren't enough due to a lack of accountability. People often hear "I'm sorry you felt this way," which leaves a bad taste in some people's mouths, or "I'm sorry, but..." which can feel like an excuse or make the apology more about the person apologizing than the one who felt hurt.

How do we properly apologize? First, it varies by person and what the individual wants—it's always good to understand and figure that out. On a general basis, though, it's always good to take accountability when you apologize.

For people who are neurodiverse and others who don't identify as that but who are over-explainers, they may want to avoid being misunderstood in situations where their intent wasn't malicious. Sometimes, it's good to have others understand the situation, but sometimes, we don't have to explain our intent if the person knows we meant no harm. If you need to explain a bit of a misunderstanding, it can be helpful to do that first, then end with an apology and validation.

Again, when people feel hurt, they want validation that they were hurt and that the events and actions hurt them. It's essential to understand the hurt side. It doesn't mean the person who caused the hurt has to validate that they're bad or that their intention was malicious, but rather validate that their action hurt the individual.