The Magic of Bad Days
My name is Karley, an associate marriage and family therapist specializing in body image, and I had a Bad Day last week. One where all of the work I’ve done to claw myself free of body shame seemed minuscule in comparison.
For my first contribution to Gather & Grow OC’s wealth of uplifting content, I wanted to create a video of myself talking about my passion for body acceptance and disordered eating recovery, and as someone who typically avoids cameras like my life depends on it, I was just a bit apprehensive. Nerves aside, I felt prepared, both physically and emotionally. Then I turned on the front-facing camera. Holy moly, I was decidedly not prepared. And I’m not only talking about how difficult it is to create a well-informed/well-organized video on a topic I specialize in. That was tough, but it paled compared to the crushing wave of body hatred that overcame me.
I felt icky, and not just because of the body stuff. On top of all the usual insecurities rushing to the surface, I realized I felt ashamed of my perceived failure. I was disappointed in myself for falling back into old patterns that I thought/hoped were far behind me. Mostly, I felt like a fraud. Who was I to wax poetic about body positivity when I couldn’t even face a camera? Cue imposter syndrome!
What did I do next? Well, after deleting that cursed video, I wallowed. I allowed myself to feel the familiar sadness, anger, and resentment. Once my wounds were thoroughly licked, and after a weepy phone call or two, I felt my self-compassion coming back to me but I still wasn’t ready to go back in front of the camera. Instead of forcing something that didn’t feel right, I honored that inner boundary. I held the shame and the fear and asked myself: “What do I need to hear? What comforts do I need?” Here’s what came to me:
It’s okay to be stuck.
It’s okay to be disappointed.
It’s okay to have bad days.
You are not a bad person.
You are still unlearning and rebuilding.
You are still healing.
As I sat in this moment of messiness, I began to approach it with curiosity:
What is this moment telling you?
What do you need to nourish yourself in this moment?
These were the words that provided me some comfort. They helped me put aside the shame and come back to self-love.
In conclusion, Bad Days suck, but they can also be magical. Painful magic, but also the kind that reminds us to honor our fragility, messiness, and humanness. Bad Days do not negate the healing work that you have done. What I think is especially important to remember is these moments is this: you’re value as a person is not dependent on how “healed” you are. The next time a Bad Day comes, sit with the discomfort that it brings, and then ask your wounded self what nourishment it needs.
