Reciprocal vs. Transactional Relationships

People are social creatures and we tend to crave some sort of interaction with each other. When it comes to closer bonds, most people want to feel a connection, and what comes with that is the reciprocation of feelings, actions, effort, etc.

When it comes to interpersonal relationships, I think one of the things I hear a lot from people is that they feel sometimes things are not reciprocated, which causes distress, sadness, and frustration in those relationships. An example I hear a lot is people who will reach out to others, but feel others will not make the effort to also reach out or they try to initiate conversations or hang outs, but feel they don’t get the same energy back. 

I think feeling reciprocated in relationships is important to feel fulfilled. It’s good to communicate our wants and if we can compromise in situations. Sometimes the person can’t or won’t reciprocate back and we have to figure out how we want to navigate those relationships and what makes sense for us. 

Another thing that comes up is if we want to feel reciprocated, does that mean our relationship is transactional? The difference between wanting to feel reciprocated and transactional is the context behind them. Reciprocity relates to people feeling they want to feel they’re on the same level of care and being cared for back. Transactional relationships are more of an expectation of “if you do this for me you should do this back” with the connotation it’s expected. 

It’s important to think about when we want something back in the relationship— what are reasons and intentions and wants? Sometimes wanting others to do things for them, such as acts of service or reaching out as love languages doesn’t have to be this forced expectation but an ask or want in what makes people feel thought of or cared for. Sometimes even transactional relationships can be ok in contexts such as getting things done, such as work or school settings.

Remember it’s important to think about what these words mean and how they fit into the context. Be mindful of your wants and expectations if the asks and wants are fair to you and others in the relationship.

Therapy can be a helpful place to process relationship dynamics, expectations in relationships (family, romantic, friendship, etc.). It can be a helpful place to learn about yourself and learn more communication tools.